(written in 1998)

It started out as a normal day but, by the time midnight arrived, things had changed dramatically.

Today would be the day. I was truly done. I would put an end to my anguish. I would rid myself of the pain, the humiliation, the shame, the guilt, but most importantly, I would rid myself of....me. I had just spent the whole night smoking crack; I was determined to stop the madness once and for all. Crack was my Devil. It had won. I would fight no longer. Today I would give it my soul.

 

Dawn was just breaking and I found myself on a bridge overlooking a small canal.  I looked into its sereneness and just let myself get lost in its lucid ever-flowing waters. I tried not to think, I had been doing too much of that lately. The musical chattering of the early morning birds brought me out of my revelry to marvel at their songs of summer. I looked around and admired the simple beauty of the flowers, trees and water fauna. I was alone. The sun was just starting to rise and the air was sweet with the scents of the new day. The weather was comfortable and I knew that today was going to be a very beautiful and momentous day. I reached into my pocket, pulled out my wallet and house keys. I gave them to the waters, for I knew that I would need them no longer.

 

I left the bridge and walked down the street to an abandoned apartment building (I had passed on my way up to the bridge). The front door was hanging on one hinge and I easily pushed my way in. I walked around the clutter and trash to the rear of the building, into what I assumed to be the rear apartment. I entered and stood in what was at one time the living room. I was facing a huge opening in the rear wall, which once sported a huge picture window. The window was gone and all that was left was a square gaping hole overlooking the unattended herbaceous yard. The yard ended at the banks of the canal and even though it was in extreme stages of neglect, it was still pleasant to look at.

 

I had been planning this for months. I had been saving whatever few dollars I could get, preparing for this moment. For you see, in my pockets I had what I hoped to be a lethal dose of Crack. My heart was already beating at an accelerated rate due to my all-nighter.

I had heard tell of Crack smokers who had put too much Crack in their pipes and died of self-induced cardiac arrest. Their hearts had finally given out from too much coke and abuse. This was the affect I was trying to achieve.

 

I stood in the middle of the room, the rays of the rising sun (that were streaming in through the window opening) pleasantly warming my face. I positioned myself in the center of that patch of sunlight. I carefully over-loaded my pipe and began to smoke. The first thing I felt was that my chest started to constrict my lungs; it felt as if I were in the grips of a powerful bear hug. I involuntarily gasped. I did not panic. I just accepted it. In fact I embraced it. My heart was furiously beating against my ribcage. I thought it would explode at any second. I just stood there, not able to breathe. I lost all feeling to my extremities, my body just relaxed. I watched as my pipe slipped from my fingers only to tumble end over end towards the floor. The pipe hit the dirty floor and exploded into many thousands shards of glass. The whole affect was stroboscopic and surreal.     Everything was in slow motion. I felt absolutely no pain. I could not hear anything other than the pounding of my heart. I saw the room skew crazily and realized that my legs had given way. Plumes of dust exploded up from the floor as my body slumped on to the floor planks. The dust swirled and danced in many intricate and complicated designs. It seemed as they were taking advantage of the spotlight given them by the sunshine. I remember thinking that the whole thing looked very pretty.

 

My life did not flash before my eyes. I saw no tunnel with loved ones at the end beckoning to me or telling me to get the fuck back. But what I do remember was being engulfed with a feeling that I had not experienced in a long time. A feeling that had eluded me for many years. That feeling was…joy.

I closed my eyes and …felt no more.

 

I was sitting in a marbled courtyard, which was in front of a four-columned Roman styled building. The building was also totally constructed of marble. The courtyard had many round tables and semi-circular benches, which were all occupied by many people, but I overheard no conversations. I was sitting there when this Man/Being approached me, sat at my table and smiled at me. I find it very difficult to describe this Being; all I can say is that I felt nothing but benevolence and concern (for me) emanating from him.   In his hands he was carrying a small mahogany colored box. The box was approximately four inches wide by six inches long. It was bordered all along its edging in gold. On the lid it had some kind of golden seal in the shape of a triangle.

 

He sat across from me and slid the box towards me. I sat there and looked at him but did not take the box. I looked into his eyes and saw urgency in them. He wanted me to take the box without hesitation. I did not want it but I thought about it and finally reached out to take it. My fingers had just barely grazed the box when I felt this evil presence rushing up behind me. I looked at my companion who without speaking somehow conveyed to me that there was danger afoot. I went to grab the box only to have it snatched out of my hand by the evil presence I felt (a second Being) who then ran towards the building with it.

 

My companion jumped up and imploringly looked at me before he started to chase the second Being. I got up and followed them both. We got to the building and the second Being (the one who took the box) turned around stopped and looked at us as we approached at a run.

 

This Being looked exactly as the first. They could have been twins! The only differences between the two were the feelings that I somehow could pick up from them. They looked the same but I could tell them apart with absolutely no problem. They were the same physically but as different as night and day, light and dark, good and evil.

 

I followed them into the building and finally caught up to them in a great hall. There, they were involved in a great struggle. I just stood there and watched, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. At this point the Darker Being started to get the upper hand on the Lighter Being.

The Lighter Being beseechingly looked at me. I knew he needed my help. I also got the feeling that whatever was in the box, it was about me and very important. But I still was not totally committed to enter into this fight. The Darker Being pushed the Lighter Being down and started to pummel him without restraint. I could never stand by, while someone was in trouble, so no matter what I felt, I jumped into the fight. As it turned out, (due to the strength and savageness of this Being) I found myself in the biggest fight of my life.

 

I tackled the Darker Being, managed to get my hands on his throat while yelling at the Lighter Being to get the box. The Lighter Being grabbed the box, backed off and smiled at me. He got up and then simply disappeared. Just like that!

I was now fighting the Darker Being by myself. I remember thinking “Man, this is the craziest dream!”

 

Whoa! Dream! If I’m dreaming, then that must mean I’m not dea..

 

I opened my eyes to the gloom of late afternoon. Immediately the stink of trash and mildew assaulted my sense of smell. I started crying as I realized that I was still with the living. I cried like I never cried before, torrents and torrents of bitter tears. In the middle of this crying jag, I now started to laugh. It was the craziest thing. I realized, the irony of it all. I could not even do away with myself without fucking that up too.

 

There I lay. I tried to get up but my arms and legs would not respond. I was drenched in sweat from head to toe. Finally, after a couple of hours I managed to get on my feet and make it outside. I slowly and methodically started to make my way to a hospital, just two short blocks away. That was the longest walk of my life. My lungs felt as if they were not entirely ready to work. I could breathe for a few steps and the next couple would be taken completely without the benefit of breathing.

 

I walked into Emergency and sat down at the nearest chair available. The Nurse whose job it was to triage patients took one look at me and immediately came to my side carrying her stethoscope. She took my pulse, listened to my heart and the next thing I knew I was being whisked away to the back where a medical team immediately started to work on me. I was injected with something and given an IV. They brought in a heart monitor and once attached, I thought it to be malfunctioning. It would beep, beep and then stop for a very long time, only to sound off again with a staccato of irregular patterns of sounds. It sounded like a drunken tap dancer.

 

I just lay there as they shouted out things in medical-ese, not hearing, nor caring. The Doctors and Nurses were frantically moving about, attaching this, that and whatever to me. Finally, all but one person left. They had done their job. I felt somewhat guilty for the taking of their time like that. A nurse stayed behind, pulled up a chair and watched over me. She looked about my age and after a while she got up, approached my bed, put a hand on my shoulder, looked into my eyes and said “Sleep. I’m here. Everything’s going to be alright” That simple act of compassion overwhelmed me, causing the flow of tears to reappear. I felt alone, so very alone!  I did not care if she saw. The Nurse just cooed to me as if I were a child, while giving me assurances of hope. She sensed my pain. It was just what I needed to get myself somewhat together. What a mess.

 

Paramedics arrived with a gurney to transport me to the Psychiatric Hospital. I was beyond caring what happens to me. This was where my choices in life had finally lead me. To the Looney Bin! How very sad. I just laid there while they picked me up, put me on the gurney and wheeled me out the door. While en-route to my new destination, my mind floated back to my dream.

I could not shake the feeling that there was some message there. What did it mean?  Should I write it off as some sort of psychotic hallucination or was I being let know that maybe, I should not haggle my soul out so precariously.

Either way today was truly a very, very momentous day.